Trained Professional Parent Coordination
“Mary Anne Gunter knows how to parent thru divorce...personally...I have had the privilege of watching her, as her Pastor, live thru it to tell about it. Coparenting in a divorce situation is sticky at best and impossible in most. But Mary Anne has an uncanny ability to connect with what parents, in this stage of life, are trying to survive. Her empathy, encouragement and guidance will give a Mom and Dad hope...plus...give the child stuck in the
middle a healthy future. The need for this is real and this type of solution is right."
Mark Evans, Senior Pastor, The Church at Rock Creek; Little Rock, Arkansas
Divorce and coparenting are hard. Even the most well-meaning, loving parents can make mistakes where their children are concerned, during and after a divorce, or when coparenting. If you're like most of us, you are learning this as you go, sometimes making the mistakes first and learning the lessons later. Sincera Wellness can help, whether it's guiding you through the divorce / coparenting journey in therapy, or offering coparenting / divorce class (sometimes mandated by the court), or as a Parent Coordinator.
Sometimes parents are unable or unwilling to put their children first in a tense coparenting situation. But it doesn't have to be this way...
Here are some facts that can educate you about Parent Coordination; what it is, and what it isn't. Sincera Wellness, LLC stands ready to help coparents in a non-judgmental, fair and professional manner - -
-- "Divorce or parental separation" is included as one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) in a groundbreaking study by Kaiser Permanente and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. One of the things they found is that ACEs have a "systemic" impact - - an entire community, a society, is compromised when ACEs are not resolved. ACEs are one of the top priorities in the entire mental health profession, the study of which has literally changed the very face of the mental health field, causing changes and awareness rippling out to the legal, healthcare, educational fields, etc.
-- The bottom line is this - kids get hurt when moms and dads will not work together for the kids' sake. Kids then grow up and often take that into their own relationships and parenting. That is not okay.
-- This PC believes parents love their children and want to do the right thing for them. That being said, children can really get hurt, sometimes permanently, when parents won't adhere to court orders, or work together for the sake of their children. That's where a PC can help. Sincera Wellness, LLC is committed to supporting and educating the community, school, church, business, parents and families in understanding what is entailed in divorce and coparenting.
-- Sincera Wellness, as a Certified Facilitator offers the excellent "One Heart, Two Homes" curriculum, created by therapists Jay and Tammy Daughtry of Coparenting International. The "One Heart, Two Homes" program is endorsed by nationally-recognized and respected leaders in the counseling, ministerial, and legal professions, and is supported by clinical research as well. This is a realistic, helpful resource, whether it's utilized in counseling, Parent Coordination, or as a part of divorce / coparenting in general. It is also available to be offered in churches, and other groups. Contact us if you would like this proven program introduced to your group or church, or for a speaking engagement about divorce, blended families, or coparenting topics.
-- Sincera is going to believe the best...that parents have their children's best interests at heart, so let's start from there. The first thing to remember is that you split up. Your children didn't.
-- A Parent Coordinator (PC) is not serving also as an attorney, mediator, therapist, or judge for you at the same time. A PC does not act in a role as your therapist while serving as your PC. Clients can choose either therapy, or parenting coordination services, with Sincera Wellness.
-- As Parent Coordination is not clinical therapy, it is not covered by insurance. A PC, serving in a non-clinical, non-therapy role as Parent Coordinator, is not bound by HIPAA.
-- Sincera Wellness, LLC takes a position that "sometimes it takes a village" - - we support a collaborative approach, as much as is possible and helpful, cooperation between parents, educators, healthcare systems, counseling, PCs, ad litems (guardian / attorney), attorneys -- anything it takes to help children in the middle not suffer, helps maintain objectivity, and, at least hopefully, helps coparents, is our goal for PC at Sincera.
- - Here is an excellent overview of the role of the Parent Coordinator, by the knowledgeable professionals at HG.org Legal Resources, is one of the most informative and objective in explaining what the role of a PC is, and isn't.
-- Here is a helpful article, published by Divorcemagazine.com -
-- Sincera Wellness may serve as a PC when voluntarily requested and mutually agreed-upon by both parents, whether they've been to court or not, or as a mandated PC appointed by a judge to work with both parents.
-- Parent Coordinators typically do not create or change custody orders, but can advise on issues such as visitation, daily schedules, and a litany of other common areas that children face often daily in a coparenting situation. We can create a mutually-agreeable Parenting Plan that works.
-- We don't want to see your child acting out your coparenting conflicts with behavioral aggression in school, stomachaches and crying, feeling utterly anxious and powerless to make mommy and daddy get along. Sadly, children often blame themselves and experience guilt for their parents' conflict. At Sincera, we take a position that coparenting conflict is never any level of fault, or responsibility, of the child's to carry, or to fix. Do not make your child your pseudo-therapist, badmouth your child's other parent to them, make them the carrier of information to the other parent. These are some of the most common errors in coparenting.
-- Tragically, here is an example of coparenting gone horribly wrong. Unresolved, the high conflict escalated over a long period of time. The red flag warning signs were there, but it seems no one was paying attention, and a child is dead today because of it. (Warning: Graphic Content) - -
-- At Sincera, we are trained in high conflict coparenting issues, and in helping you set boundaries even should the other parent refuse to cooperate or work for the good of the children. We are also trained in spotting parental alienation, a severe, toxic level of coparenting dysfunction, typically requiring legal intervention, and can mean serious trauma-focused counseling for the child (who is being abused in that situation). If we note it happening, it typically will be reported to the Court and/or DHS.
-- Approximately 80% of high conflict, chronically-struggling coparenting cases involve a serious personality disorder and we are trained in recognizing when this may be present. If at anytime it appears that a child is being exposed to unsafe psychological, emotional, physical, etc., conditions, or used as collateral or leverage by one parent against another, it typically will be reported to the Court and/or DHS.
-- The PC is neutral and does not take sides with one parent over another. The primary goal of the PC is to effect the best interests of the children. Our work focuses on helping you, the parent, work with the other coparent in order to help your children. That's it. We can't do anything about when your former spouse didn't send you Valentine's roses in 2008, but we can help you work out a clear, solid Parenting Plan on who picks up the kids from dance class next Thursday.
-- Typical Parent Coordination work is not "touchy-feely". It is not therapy, but rather linear and directive. We stick to what the child needs, facts, problem-solving, concrete goals, and we stay focused on the here-and-now, and goals for the future.
-- The clinical research is showing that children suffer the most, well into adulthood, in a divorce / coparenting situation when the parents are involved in chronic disputes during and long after the parents' breakup. Remember, children experiencing their parents' divorce or parental separation is counted as an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) - so that means they are, already, at higher risk of problems.
-- Sincera Wellness recommends "Our Family Wizard", an excellent online site for coparents (www.ourfamilywizard.com). It is especially helpful for coparents who find it difficult to communicate verbally with each other. It is a practical and helpful platform to use in your ongoing necessary coparenting interactions with each other, whether or not you have a Parent Coordinator. Here is a link to a good article by Our Family Wizard about why using a PC can be helpful -
-- Typically, Parent Coordination fees of $180.00 per hour are divided between the parents. Occasionally, we can slightly reduce the fee for coparents who require less intense involvement of the PC, are demonstrating improvement, not requiring a Court Order to force cooperation, for example. Parent Coordination can sometimes involve a high-intensity situation that involves the PC not only interacting with the parents, but with others, such as court judges, clerks, attorneys, therapists, social workers, police, evaluators, guardians ad litem, physicians, nurses, teachers, etc. In short, having a chronic case that results in deeper involvement of the PC, interaction with courts and attorneys, dishonored Court Orders and signed Parenting Plans, for example, can cost more.
-- Often the cost of a PC can still be less costly financially, as well as emotionally, than years of ongoing high conflict, court battles, attorneys fees, filing fees, counseling fees, threats, court orders, custody fights.
-- Sincera's position is to always recommend an intentional, future-focused approach. It is usually better for you, and for your children, if coparents who find it challenging to work together will voluntarily seek out the unbiased, professional help of a PC. It's almost always better (and usually less expensive and embarrassing) than a judge ordering coparents to do it. Sincera Wellness, LLC believes in validation for good progress and is always motivated to report to the Court healthy cooperation on the part of coparents. Let Sincera give the Court a great report on you!
-- When we say "future-focused", this means that we help you keep focused on the issue at hand. The past is where nothing can be changed - and yet where most of the conflict resides. Real change takes place in the present and in the future, and that's where we concentrate. The good news is that that's where you get to write an all-new story and do things healthier and differently. One way of practicing good self-care is to view this as a new, and healthy, direction!
-- We get it. This is tough. This calls upon your deepest resources at times. Which is why we highly recommend a good support system around you, and good self-care. It is critically important to take good emotional, physical, spiritual care of you, so that you have the resources needed to take care of your children. Coparenting well means keeping the focus on the child's welfare, present and future.
-- One of the most encouraging things we have seen in Parent Coordination, is that "success breeds success". One small effort made to do things differently, one gesture of cooperation, can kick-start the situation out of "stuck mode". We've seen it happen. Here's the best part of all - -your children will see it. They are smart and observant. They know when things are going wrong, and they know when things are going right. Give them this gift.
-- The most psychologically healthy situation for your children is one where no one had to be forced into compliance, where children are never expected to choose between parents or feel guilty for their parents' breakup, and where children can flow easily and peacefully between two homes. Your relationship may have broken up, but your children's relationship with their other parent didn't and shouldn't. Please don't make your children pay for your breakup.
-- At Sincera, we work hard to take an approach that says, "This can still be turned around". We encourage you as a coparent to practice good self-care, maintain the boundaries you need to help you coparent well but not be taken advantage of, and keep the needs of your children, who are caught in the middle, always at the forefront. This coparenting journey is going to last as long as you and your children are alive. Warring coparents often forget, or ignore, that part. You won't regret taking the high road, even years later. Neither will your children. Let them be proud of you, not ashamed of your behavior.
Some quick tips - -
1) Don't make your child your new best friend, confidant, therapist. They aren't equipped in any way for this heavy responsibility and it will only make them anxious, stressed, and feel guilty, feeling responsible for fixing something they have no control over. Find healthy adults to talk to, and let your kids be kids.
2) Don't talk badly about your child's other parent. That's their parent and they love them. When you speak badly about the other parent to your child, the child can start believing they are bad, to have had such a "bad" parent. Don't withhold visitation as a condition of child support. The child is the one who gets hurt the most.
3) If you're dealing with a former partner who is being unreasonable, won't work in a healthy way with you in coparenting, then get a good attorney, document everything, keep as calm as possible, keep communication civil and limited only about the children, and don't do anything to get yourself in trouble.
4) Take a good family / divorce attorney's advice over your former partner's. When your former partner yells and threatens they're never going to let you see the child again, you don't have to accept that. It's what the law says, not what the former partner threatens in the heat of the moment, that matters.
5) Your children need consistency, and you can benefit from good self-care. Exercise, relaxation, laughter, time with healthy friends and family, time for solitude and reflection and rest. Build a life that you like and are proud of. You and your children, whether they live with you full-time, part-time, or during visitation, are still a family.
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Let Sincera Wellness, LLC come alongside you and help you create a mutually-agreeable, realistic plan that works for both of you, is mutually respectful and focused on the future and the evolving needs of your children, and lets both of you, and your children, get on with life and living, not stuck in the past.